The Sage Advice of Emily Oster
How the right advice at the right time can change your life
We watched Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society in my final year of high school. A TV + VCR setup wheeled into our classroom and our English teacher was hiding a smirk that generally signalled that we may enjoy what followed. We were most impressed to see the TV outside of the Geography Department on a Friday morning while the Stormers were touring New Zealand, and it didn't take us long to realise that we were in for something special.
The Dead Poets Society gatherings would kick off with a segment from Henry David Thoreau’s Walden, “I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately…” and “to live deep and suck out all the marrow out of life”. Great art has a way of showing rather than telling, and the film made the argument for thinking for yourself and seizing the day better than the lectures I received at that age.
The themes from Dead Poets Society feel relevant as ever. Especially since just over a year ago, Jules and I found out that we were going to be parents. We thought we had a handle on the conventional wisdom surrounding pregnancy, not to mention the practicalities of adding another human to the household. So we started jotting down lists of things we had to do, things we should do, and things to avoid. But we quickly realised that there was a lot of grey area between these lists.
This stressed us out, and by the time we reached our peaceful Friday evening braai, the grey area had spread to our once medium-rare steaks. “They can take our wine, but they can’t take our T-Bone!” I announced, and quickly messaged my friend Sarah: “What’s the book that says you can drink coffee and the odd glass of wine while pregnant? Asking for a friend!”
A few nights later, I was waiting for Jules to doze off so that I could pry the copy of
’s Expecting Better from her bedside table. The book’s subtitle is “Why the Conventional Pregnancy Wisdom Is Wrong - and What You Really Need to Know", and it delivers on that promise. As a professor of economics at an Ivy League university, Oster debunks many an old wives tale with a data-driven approach with a writing style that is both approachable and engaging.They say that when the student is ready, the teacher appears, and we were delighted to find our sage in Emily Oster. If I’ve learnt anything from the cinema, it's that when you set out on a grand adventure, you’re better off having a wizard, spiritual guru or talking donkey to guide you through the murky waters. But let’s not forget that you should disregard the advice of your digsmate, especially if he’s a lanky Welshman.
The sequel to Expecting Better about babies and toddlers is titled Cribsheet — and that’s exactly what her books feel like, a cheat code that you can constantly refer to whenever you’re a bit unsure of your next move. For us right now, it’s introducing our boy Thomas to solid foods as he edges towards six months old. If you search Amazon for "introducing children to solid foods" you’ll get several hundred results, and you could find a thousand more opinions elsewhere. Emily deals with this in a short chapter providing an analysis of what the data tells us, neatly summarised with five bulleted takeaways (e.g. introduce allergens early).
The term ‘unsolicited advice’ tickles me, as the only time I ever hear it is in relation to parenting. Everywhere else, you’re either getting good advice or bad advice, and it’s up to you to decide whether you’re going to take it or leave it. But when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth, and raising kids, it seems to mostly matter whether you ‘solicited’ it or not. Maybe it’s just because things get a bit noisy and overwhelming at times.
Liberating is not usually the adjective I use to describe a book. But the more I think about it, the more I think that the right advice at the right time can change your life. Remember what Robin Williams’ character said? "No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world." Well, I’m firm in my view that Emily Oster's words on pregnancy and child-rearing have made the world a better place. I also feel like it has armed me to not let that ‘unsolicited advice’ get under my skin — because when you think about it, you realise that all everyone wants is the best for your baby.
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Not a parent yet but saving both the book and your article on the top of my "parenting" note, loved it Nic!
Loved this Nic, I'm going to pass it onto expectant parents for sure. Your Tom is a delight,possibly because of these learnt parenting pearls!